I am scared to death to see you.

Amigdala.
4 min readSep 7, 2023
Call Me by Your Name (2017)

I guess I am not as over you as I thought that I was ….

Maybe there’s still a piece of ours left in me, and I have yet to know how to unwrap it. Maybe this whole time, I am just fooling myself saying that I have let go, or maybe I am just, simply, a fool myself for not being able to get you out of my mind. Maybe I haven’t had enough of it.

Maybe you were right, maybe your people were all right about everything. Maybe things are supposed to be like this. Maybe I eventually will learn from it — sooner or later, and maybe I, soon will get over this. Maybe I will be able to get you out of my mind. Maybe someday I will have had enough of it.

Maybe the thoughts of you coming back still occur out of the blue, most of the time, in the moment where I never expected it to come. Maybe your illusory existence still appears sometimes, most of the time, in the moment where I never wished it to come. Maybe all the soundings of your voice, about the songs we serenaded to flaunt the magnificent love we once had still echo in my head, and maybe simply because I haven’t had enough of it.

Call Me by Your Name (2017)

The truth is no one’s like you, and a heart cannot be lied to. A look-alike could never take your place.

Here, I move to a place where none of our people know my name — nor do they know yours, trying to find the peace my heart has been crying for. Here, I live in a new neighborhood with a bunch of strangers I bump into every time I head to work.

There, the last time I left everything in a large, crowded yet vacant and desolate place I used to call home. There, too, the last time I saw you standing far away from my house without saying anything, without even thinking that one goodbye might be necessary, knowing that we both were never meant to be.

I looked at every pair of eyes I met, but none of it sparkled like yours. I listened to every voice I heard, but none of it sounded like the one I have been longing for. I, too, did stare at every shining star, hoping you would come and make everything right this time.

But, I have had enough of it.

Maybe all I looked for was you. Maybe all I stared at was a mere picture of someone I used to know. Maybe all I thought was only about us … and the artificial reconciliation I sometimes still wish to actually come true.

Call Me by Your Name (2017)

And part of me was hoping we would get the chance to talk.

In fact, after all the lies I told the world about, I eventually come to a conclusion that, maybe, I just haven’t had enough of it. Maybe, after all this time, my heart still craves for peace, and it craves for you. Maybe, even after everything you put me through, I still somehow keep you in the back of my mind, thene leave the key to unlock it in a place I cannot even find.

I start to reminisce the moment we were together. Being with you was the only thing I wish to keep forever as every day became warmer and warmer, and I couldn’t even ask for more but a love that lasted longer until we both couldn’t remember. However, I —start to — think that maybe, I have had enough of it — or even if I haven’t, I soon will have had enough.

You were the only forever I once believed to exist, and will remain so even if I quit keeping faith in it.

It was you, the first who gave me the love I never thought I would ever receive. It was you, the last who let me learn the numbness and eventually get used to it. It is you, whose presence still holds half of my entire head with millions of wishes; and it will be you, it forever will.

But, I think I have had enough.

I swear I was the happiest with you, but to repeat a one specific moment with the same person will never be the option I choose as I believe that temporary bliss will only lead us to a big, bigger mess. I am, a mess myself, indeed — and I have enough of it.

I am scared to death to see you, but I wanted it to be you. And worst of all, I don’t even know why.

Maybe, only for this time, I admit that everything is still all about you.

Song reference: Doppelgänger by Joshua Bassett.

--

--