But I miss hearing you laugh.

4 min readMay 22, 2023


“And I can honestly tell you that I have really been trying to go and find better ....”

Maybe it’s just to keep our distance forever, or maybe to prevent another encounter — whatever. All the fortune teller told was about me to let go, to stop wishing for nothing…

… but I’m done running.

The peace you told me to make, I used to question it a lot back then — was it worth trying? Would I get better? Would things heal and recover as if the worst I once faced never happened?

And I can honestly tell you that I’ve been doing fine. I thought I’ve done better, I thought it was me — the best version of myself when I was with you; but turned out it was the worst, it was a mistake, it was a regret, it was a waste, and we both know we made it even worse.

NIKI - Facebook Friends

I’ve been better, February might give me nothing, taught me the toughest I have ever experienced, but I rose in March, to May — even though I know you would never drive around Anaheim at sun down just to wish me a good life on its 16th day ; still, I’ve been better.

Little do you know, I still wish we meet now. So, you are able to meet this me, witnessing the growth of a man whose heart you broke for the sake of a true happiness you once believed it was right —I hope it really is, nevertheless.

NIKI - Facebook Friends

I wish the world was kinder. I wish we were better somewhere else, I wish things were gentler. I wish we weren’t who we are. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish these what ifs die to me the way you should be, too.

Some days are easier than others, but most the nights, I don’t even feel like a half. The thoughts of you still occur most of the time along with the maybes I can no longer help to get rid of.

“Maybe you’ll finally choose me after you’ve had more time.

Or maybe I’ll get to know you again.

Or maybe we won’t.

NIKI - Facebook Friends

It was the last time I saw you online, Facebook told your friends what did you eat, where did you go to, who did you meet, when was the last time you changed your profile; Facebook told me.

You met your friends every Saturday, had dinner with your mother the night after — and life always got better. You played this song a lot than I ever thought you would, listening to it like it was a new discovery to display and expose.

It was all beautiful until a new song came out not so long after we decided to part ways. That The Goo Goo Dolls are dead to you— are they?

… but why did you bring them up, along with how much I fucking miss you?

Facebook told me you listened to it, a lot, more than the love song we used to listen to every Monday. I thought I was a fast learner, but how is it even possible, my love, that somehow you are a stranger — you were mine just yesterday?

NIKI - Facebook Friends

You could spend the days studying my laugh’s melody, and I could spend the months to keep you in this song . Said you’d kill to love me the loudest , but why all you did was live to hurt me soundless?

I hate that I do start to miss hearing your voice, and that I can’t deny I miss hearing you laugh — as much as I’m afraid that we’ll cross path.

So, I hope we won’t.

But, still, my love, if in the rare case that I do cross your mind, you’d better know, you’ve once always crossed mine.

So, stop teaching your mind to put me first. Remain lost as I’m giving up the ghost…

… and quit to settle for the backburner.

NIKI - Facebook Friends

Song references: Backburner, Anaheim, Oceans & Engines, Facebook Friends by NIKI.